One of my greatest faults is that I ramble. I can’t just tell a story straight out. I start in the middle, meander to the end, jump back to the beginning, and somewhere along the way I manage to wrap it all together. I don’t realize I’ve lost my audience until after their eyes have glazed over. After thoughtful consideration, I’ve identified that the problem isn’t just how I tell a story.
See, this is how I think, too.
For instance, the other day I noticed that, stitched neatly into my toilet paper, is a design of hearts and flowers.
Someone got paid to come up with that design. How do you qualify for such a position? Did they go to college to design toilet paper? And where does this person do their best thinking?
Do they sit in a smelly bathroom and think, “Damn! I wish it smelled like flowers and love in here!”
And DING! Inspiration!
“I know… I’ll put hearts and flowers on the toilet paper! People’s poop may not smell like roses, but at least they can clean up with pretty two-ply!”
This led to an investigation of every roll of toilet paper I encountered. My workplace goes with the plain Jane single ply toilet paper. I tried to sneak a peek into the cleaning lady’s cart to see what brand it was, but she gave me a funny look when I hovered in the bathroom a little too long.
So I turned to the internet.
Go ahead… Type “Toilet Paper Patterns” into Google. Evidently this question has occurred to a few other people, too, because you end up with ~5.6 million results. One of the search results returned was “Top 10 Toilet Paper Designs – Wipe in Style.” I, of course, find this ridiculously awesome.
I discovered that toilet paper designs serve dual functions. Not only are they aesthetically pleasing–they also offer traction.
This left me wondering why flowers are so prevalent in bathrooms. The women’s restroom at work has a picture of flowers hanging on the wall, and each stall is equipped with a flower scented air freshener.
Really now, does this fool anybody?
Who, in the history of time, has said: “Wow, this bathroom smells great! If I close my eyes it smells like a beautiful field of roses and lilies!”
No one. Ever.
I also noticed other strange thoughts in the bathroom.
Like this little gem:
*pulls out microphone and steps on soapbox*
People, please, don’t be shy about flushing twice. When I walk into a stall, the last thing I want to find are remnants of your visit floating in the toilet bowl.
*steps down, puts soapbox away*
Here’s another one: I am weirdly happy to be the first person to sit on a just-cleaned toilet. I get to work very early in the morning. More often than not, I see the toilets in a just-cleaned state, complete with raised lids and blue water. I do a joyful little happy dance that all the old butt prints have been scrubbed off.
Speaking of sitting on the toilet, I come to the subject of toilet seat covers. Why don’t these get pretty patterns? And just how effective are they? Again, I turned to the internet.
I read Amy Browne’s article on Yahoo, published back in August, 2008 (http://voices.yahoo.com/paper-toilet-seat-covers-they-effective-1753477.html?cat=9). According to Ms. Browne, toilet seat covers are more for peace of mind than germ protection.
I have two major take-aways from this article:
“Herpes and the rest of the sexually transmitted diseases are not attainable from toilet seats, simply because they cannot live without a human host for very long.”
This is how I read that sentence:
“Herpes and the rest of the sexually transmitted diseases are not attainable from toilet seats, simply because they cannot live without a human host for very long a short period of time.”
If you’re a woman, you’ve spent your fair share of time in line for a bathroom stall. Have you ever timed how long it takes between the person ahead of you to leave the stall and for you to enter it and sit down?
If you think it takes the “few minutes” that Ms. Browne discusses in her article, think again.
You have a long line of angry women with full bladders ushering children who are about to burst in their pants like screaming water balloons. If you linger outside the stall for a “few minutes” waiting for those herpes germs to die, you’re going to get mauled.
So there you go. I started out with designs on toilet paper and somehow ended up with herpes on a toilet seat. Your brief tour through my head is at an end.
I’m going to go eat lunch now.
Aren’t you glad I shared?