Friday, August 15, 2014
Day 35 of 100 Days of Good Karma.
I was tired today. Really tired. The effects of chemotherapy seem to take a few days to take their toll.
So I paid someone to come clean the house.
At first, I resisted hiring someone.
I’m hopelessly stubborn sometimes. I wanted to believe I could do it all.
But things have slipped in the last month.
I didn’t realize cancer would become a full time job so toilets have gone unscrubbed, floors needed to be mopped, the showers required some serious attention.
I don’t want to spend my limited energy reserves doing these things.
I want to write. Or run. Or play with the kids.
So I made the call, and my house is clean.
When I need help, asking is the hardest part.
I hate asking for help.
In the last month, I’ve been overwhelmed with offers of help. Everyone I’ve spoken to says, “Let me know if I can do anything.”
I blink like a deer in headlights before remembering to smile and say ‘thank you’.
I don’t know what to do with this sort of blank check.
I know the offers are genuine. That they come from a place of caring and kindness.
I know people want to help, but they don’t know how.
The truth is, I don’t know what to ask for and I feel like I’m taking advantage of people when I do ask.
My friend Erica laughed when I told her this. She’s said she’s going to make me a “Ways to Help Meghan” list.
“Because,” she said, “you’ll never think to ask on your own.”
And she’s right.
Asking for help is hard because I don’t want to need help in the first place.
Call it pride, stubbornness, conceit.
I don’t know what it is. I only know I suck at asking for help because:
Asking for help is admitting I’ve lost control.
It means all my carefully organized To Do lists, my color coded day planner, my timelines for completing everything and still making it to appointments on time, are all for shit.
Asking for help makes me feel stupid and incompetent.
I want to believe I’m an intelligent, independent person who can do everything for herself. Feeling stupid and incompetent flies directly in the face of my self image.
And then there’s this:
What is the price for asking for help? What is it going to cost me?
That probably makes me sound like an asshole, but no one likes feeling indebted.
I prefer accepting help when I can reciprocate in kind. That’s problematic when I don’t know how I’m going to feel day to day.
Asking for help is much harder when I don’t know if I’ll be able to return the favor.
And then I get a reality check.
I keep returning to the reality that I do need help sometimes. Everyone does.
Like needing help cleaning the house. Toilets, showers and floors were not going to scrub themselves.
So I swallowed a large lump of pride and made the call.
Today’s silver lining: I love being in a clean house. Even if I didn’t do it myself.
What’s your silver lining today? I love comments!