• 100 Days of Good Karma: Day 38 (It’s Just Hair)

     

    me

    My Silver Lining.

    Monday, August 28, 2014

    Day 38 of 100 Days of Good Karma.

    I got my regular wig in today.

    It isn’t pink.  It’s a little darker than I expected.

    I put it on and stared into the mirror.

    I hated it.

    I’ve gone to great lengths to make cancer less scary.  To laugh at it.  To find the ‘normal’ within the chaos.

    I put my diagnosis on the internet.  I declared it publicly on Facebook.  I’ve taken pictures during chemotherapy and talked about cancer openly with friends and family alike.

    I felt strong.  Like I had a grip on things.  Hair loss, surgery, being scared.  Like I could handle all of it.

    Staring at myself in that wig slammed me back to where I was just 38 days ago.

    I felt weak all over again.

    And angry.

    So angry.

    I felt closer to ‘sick’ in that wig than I have ever felt as a result of chemotherapy.

    To me, that wig screamed ‘I have cancer’.

    The ugliest thing about cancer isn’t the hair loss or the surgery or the threat of dying.

    It’s not even the awesome emotional roller coaster that seems to catch me off guard twenty times a day.

    Those things are all bad enough, but the added cherry on top of this shitty sundae is that cancer also brings shame.

    Cancer has set me apart, even before I’ve lost my hair or had surgery.

    That wig reminded me that I might be stared at, and not in a good way.

    I fiddled with the bangs, repositioned the cap on my head so the wig sat closer to my own hairline.

    Yup.  I hated it.

    Hannah walked into the bathroom while I was staring into the mirror.

    “Oooh!  I want to wear one, too!”

    “Do you want the pink one?”  I turned away from the mirror, grateful for a reason to not look anymore.

    “Yeah!”

    I put my pink wig on her and we stared at each other in the mirror.

    “I like yours,” Hannah said.

    I smiled, even though I didn’t feel like it.  “Pink is your color.”

    “Let’s take a picture!”

    I cringed from this.  “Well…”

    “Please?”

    I sighed.  She was so excited to be in the pink wig.  This was dress up to her.

    “Okay.  The camera’s in the kitchen.”

    We took a few selfies.  Hannah enjoyed it.

    Me?

    I put on my brave smile.

    “Can I see?”  Hannah practically bounced on her toes trying to look at the pictures.

    I looked at the pictures, expecting to see me in a wig.

    I saw me.

    That’s it.

    My hair was darker, but it was just me.

    “See?”  Justin said.  “It isn’t so bad.”

    “No,” I said, looking in surprise down at the pictures. “It isn’t.”

    Today’s silver lining:  Hannah, for her impeccable timing and willingness to play dress up with me. 

    Kids, I thought, shaking my head.  They know it’s just hair.

    What’s your silver lining today?  I love comments!

    xoxo,
    Meghan

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18 Responsesso far.

  1. Bethany Bosch says:

    I donated my hair last year. It’s amazing how it can be such an emotional thing – a change like that. Just cutting your hair. I take a lot of pride in being a redhead. Your bravery is what makes you so beautiful, Meghan. I love you!

    • Meghan says:

      Hair is an emotional thing, and you have beautiful red hair! I applaud you for donating it. It takes a very special kind of generosity to donate your hair. Thank you for reading, and I love you, too!

  2. pwsquare says:

    It is just hair. Enjoy dressing up. I can’t wait for you to get one of the stripper ones! Love ya!!!

    • Meghan says:

      I picked out the cupie-doll-pink wig, and the responsible-soccer-mom wig. Justin can shop for the i’m-a-hooker-in-training wig. 🙂

  3. Pat Sincox says:

    Well, I am here to say that you look good in the wig!! Wear it tonight when you turn in. You will make your husband excited and nervous all at the same time…..in bed with another woman!! Have the camera ready for that!!

    • Meghan says:

      I’ve already told him I need several wigs so he can sleep with a new woman every night. We call it Cancer Role Playing. Gotta keep the flame alive. 😉

  4. Thuan says:

    I love it! From the picture, you have dark brown hair, like mine! I love it!
    Come on! Once in a while, you have to …. walk in my shoes of dark brown, straight hair!!!
    Lovely mom and kid!

  5. Tina Smith says:

    That’s my hair color!! We can pretend to be sisters 🙂

    Love Hannah 🙂

  6. Monica says:

    I think you are both “Rocking” those wigs and look fabulous! Just think – no more fussing with the hair! Just put on the wig and go!

    • Meghan says:

      The wear and go style sounds pretty good to me, too. I do hear I have to stay away from hot ovens because my pretty new hair will melt. I believe this is the excuse to not cook I’ve been looking for my whole life. 😉

  7. Cousin Erin says:

    Meghan wear it with pride. Nothing shameful about looking different, or unique. I’ve been trying to do this my whole life. Wear that wig, especially the pink one, it’s kick ass, and stand tall cousin. I’m getting an orange one!
    xoxoxo

    • Meghan says:

      You’re all kinds of awesome, Erin. You should come be my son’s kindergarten teacher. Show him how to start school off the right way. 😉

  8. Annette says:

    Love the selfie!! You and Hannah are rockin those wigs!!! Xoxox

  9. sunny says:

    My son grows his hair out and donates it. I say no wig!! Bald is sexy;)

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