Saturday, October 12, 2014
Day 92 of 100 Days of Good Karma.
The skies were dark and the clouds were threatening rain, but I put on my shoes and went out for a run anyway. I was restless and running helps me clear away the mental clutter.
I wanted to sort out what to do with this blog once the 100 days are over. I know I said I had a plan in “what comes next?” but the more I think about it the more I don’t like that plan. Posting every day is a habit now, a good one, and losing it makes me a little sad.
The air outside my front door was still and sticky. The humidity clinging like a wet wool blanket pulled out of the dryer too soon. The puffs of air moving the tree branches was only a nod toward a real breeze.
I set out, adjusting my pace for the heat. This adjustment took me from ‘slow’ down to ‘turtle’, but kept going anyway. I needed to move. Needed to think.
I had just rounded the first corner, ready to do my ‘long loop’, when I spotted the cloud.
I thought, Is that what I think it is?
The wind was moving a little better now and I could see it pushing the cloud into an ominous tube-like shape.
I pulled out my phone and snapped the picture you see at the top of this post. I studied the picture as if the real life version on the horizon was not to be believed.
Yup. That’s exactly what I think it is.
I debated on the long route versus the short route.
I still hadn’t decided what I wanted to do with the blog and the long route was better for thinking. But the long route took me further from home and right toward that cloud.
The short route wasn’t as great for problem-solving, but it got me home and away from the angry looking cloud quickly.
With a pang of regret, I set my feet toward the shorter route. I’d just have to think fast today.
As I ran, I listened to the cicadas buzz in the trees. A sound that, I swear, always makes a hot day seem hotter. I distracted myself from the heat with a question and answer session.
Q: Is another 100 days sustainable?
A: You’ve been doing it for over 90 days now. I think that proves sustainability.
Q: Isn’t it presumptuous to think this will show the beginning and end of my cancer journey?
A: Well, you’ll never really know if the cancer will come back, but that uncertainty isn’t a good enough reason to quit a good habit.
Q: But what if I can’t come up with something to write every day?
A: You’ve already proven you can work through that, too.
Q: Will I have time?
A: Really? This excuse is laughable. Your main job these days is feeding the kids, doing laundry and making sure you’re home in time for your afternoon nap.
Q: But what if chemo makes me too sick to write?
A: How is the uncertainty of starting a new drug any different than when you started this drug? Bad days are bound to happen. Just plan ahead and have some topics waiting in the wings.
Q: But what am I going to call it?
A: Again, really? This is what’s stopping you? Call it 100DaysOfSilverLinings. Or just keep with the existing theme and call it Another100daysofgoodkarma. Who cares? This is not a good reason not to do it.
I was about a mile from home when the clouds started spitting rain. I picked up the pace and mentally ticked off the reasons that I should continue.
I walked up my driveway, sweaty and ready for air conditioning. One last glance at the sky showed that the clouds had blown away to the west. The storm that had been threatening all morning never materialized.
I tried to summarize my thoughts and had to admit the scales were tipping in favor of continuing daily posts for another 100 days.
And for some reason, I still haven’t committed to the idea entirely. Something about it is still bothering me, but I can’t pin it down.
Today’s silver lining: I’m sure I’ll figure it out the next time I get to do the long loop.
What’s your silver lining today? I love comments!