Monday, October 13, 2014
Day 94 of 100 Days of Good Karma.
The thing that’s been bothering me about continuing the blog into the next 100 days is that blogging doesn’t feel justified.
I like doing it, and it’s a priority, no doubt, but it’s not my top priority. I have other projects I’d like to work on.
I’m working on a novel.
There. I said it.
I think I may vomit now.
I cannot believe how icky that admission makes me feel.
At best, it feels pretentious. Like I’m pretending to be something I’m not.
At worst, it’s the feeling of being in a busy grocery store when struck by the world’s worst case of gut wrenching, pants loading diarrhea.
I clench desperately and try to keep this deeply personal information to myself while I beeline it to the bathroom which is, of course, horridly filthy.
I do the gotta-go-gotta-go-gotta-go dance while putting down a layer of toilet paper. Finally, I squat, touching the layer of toilet paper with as little skin as possible and release the storm.
Then someone opens the stall door that I, in my haste, forgot to lock.
It’s a guy.
A hot guy.
And I realize I’m in the men’s restroom.
That’s what it feels like to admit I’m working on a book.
But the feeling of knowing I have a story in progress and giving in to a horrible bout of gastrointestinal distress is similar: it feels so damn good.
For the love of God, please don’t ask me what the novel is about. Admitting I’m working on it is hard enough. No, it’s not a book about cancer. I don’t feel like I can write that yet since the story isn’t, you know, over yet.
I’ve been longing to return to writing fiction. I was working on my fiction writing skills when I was diagnosed. After that bombshell I couldn’t find my way back into stories.
I couldn’t concentrate on fiction. For the first time in my life, I couldn’t even read fiction, a personal escape for as far back as I can remember.
All I could write about, all I could think about, was cancer.
Now, three months later, I’ve found my way back into storyland and I don’t want to give it up.
I’ve made it a personal goal to write what I’m thinking of as a very short, very bad first novel by the end of the year. I have to think of it this way or I’ll scare myself out of finishing it.
Whether the book will be any good or not is irrelevant. Like my first long distance race, the goal is simply to finish.
This is why I hesitated over continuing to the blog for another 100 days. Because I want to make time for the novel.
But I figured something out. I can use the blog as leverage.
In order to meet that personal deadline on the novel, I have to make time for fiction on a regular basis. I don’t feel like I can justify working on the blog when the work on the novel isn’t done.
So since I’m on the hook every day to write the blog, I’m also accountable for doing the work on the novel.
Today’s silver lining: This is my long, convoluted way of saying I’m going to continue the blog for another 100 days.
Hope you’ll stick around!
What’s your silver lining today? I love comments!