Friday, October 31, 2014
Run/ Walk/ Bike/ Elliptical (Today: 0.00 miles (had to save up my strength for trick-or-treating!); Running Total: 25.36 miles)
Day 112 of *Another* 100 Days of Good Karma.
I made a phone call to my doctor on Wednesday morning. I told her I just wasn’t handling things well. That I was always yelling at home. That I was having melt downs over third grade homework. That I was crying all the time.
I asked for a prescription for something to help.
This phone call was very difficult to make. It’s so hard to admit needing mental help.
It was so hard to admit that if I wanted to be a decent parent and wife and human being that I needed help.
I never thought I’d need this kind of help.
I have always successfully managed stress in other ways.
I run. I journal. I try hard to eat right. I look for the positive. I started seeing a counselor. Other than the two glasses of wine the other day I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since July.
And it just wasn’t enough.
I was ashamed of myself and I felt like a failure.
I know there’s not supposed to be any shame in it. I know people get help for this all the time. But knowing it is one thing, living it is another.
But I had to admit it: Cancer has stretched me beyond my ability to cope.
It was so hard to ask for this kind of help but I’m glad I did.
Friday morning, the day after chemotherapy, I felt like a train wreck. Those FAC drugs are no joke. I took anti-nausea medication around the clock, even set my alarm for 1am so I wouldn’t miss a dose.
I also started taking the anti-depressants Friday morning.
I think they helped. Justin even mentioned that I seemed happier. I didn’t realize how much I was crying until suddenly I wasn’t.
I laid around all day Friday binge watching Downton Abbey and saving my energy for trick or treating.
Justin and I went as Starfleet officers. Justin was a red command officer (even sexier than a first season, clean shaven Riker) and I went as a blue science officer.
I took pictures at home without hair, but I wore the wig out because I just wasn’t comfortable going bald.
Posting pictures online is one thing. Seeing people’s reactions face-to-face is another. Intentionally or not, people can be assholes. I badly want to say ‘I don’t care’, but I do. So I wore hair and was glad for it.
Walking around made me a little tired. The kids hit every house for several blocks. It was a relief when we got to my friend’s house for the Halloween party. I didn’t have to walk around as much and the kids got to play for a little before we headed home.
Today’s silver lining: I didn’t miss trick-or-treating with the kids.
I don’t know if the good mood of the night was from the anti-depressants or just because it was Halloween, but I’m calling it a win.
What’s your silver lining today? I love comments!
Don’t want to leave a comment, but have something you want to share? Send me an email at gettingthewordswrong(at)gmail(dot)com.