• Another 100 Days of Good Karma: Day 112 (Happy Halloween!)


    Friday, October 31, 2014

    Run/ Walk/ Bike/ Elliptical (Today:  0.00 miles (had to save up my strength for trick-or-treating!);  Running Total: 25.36 miles)

    Day 112 of *Another* 100 Days of Good Karma.

    I made a phone call to my doctor on Wednesday morning. I told her I just wasn’t handling things well. That I was always yelling at home. That I was having melt downs over third grade homework. That I was crying all the time.

    I asked for a prescription for something to help.

    This phone call was very difficult to make. It’s so hard to admit needing mental help.

    It was so hard to admit that if I wanted to be a decent parent and wife and human being that I needed help.

    I never thought I’d need this kind of help.

    I have always successfully managed stress in other ways.

    I run. I journal. I try hard to eat right. I look for the positive. I started seeing a counselor. Other than the two glasses of wine the other day I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol since July.

    And it just wasn’t enough.

    I was ashamed of myself and I felt like a failure.

    I know there’s not supposed to be any shame in it. I know people get help for this all the time. But knowing it is one thing, living it is another.

    But I had to admit it: Cancer has stretched me beyond my ability to cope.

    It was so hard to ask for this kind of help but I’m glad I did.

    Friday morning, the day after chemotherapy, I felt like a train wreck. Those FAC drugs are no joke. I took anti-nausea medication around the clock, even set my alarm for 1am so I wouldn’t miss a dose.

    I also started taking the anti-depressants Friday morning.

    I think they helped. Justin even mentioned that I seemed happier. I didn’t realize how much I was crying until suddenly I wasn’t.

    I laid around all day Friday binge watching Downton Abbey and saving my energy for trick or treating.

    Justin and I went as Starfleet officers. Justin was a red command officer (even sexier than a first season, clean shaven Riker) and I went as a blue science officer.

    I took pictures at home without hair, but I wore the wig out because I just wasn’t comfortable going bald.

    Bald with Vulcan ears (thank you Erica!).

    Bald with Vulcan ears (thank you Erica!).

    Posting pictures online is one thing. Seeing people’s reactions face-to-face is another. Intentionally or not, people can be assholes. I badly want to say ‘I don’t care’, but I do. So I wore hair and was glad for it.

    Me with hair, Justin with Vulcan ears.

    Me with hair, Justin with Vulcan ears.

    Walking around made me a little tired. The kids hit every house for several blocks. It was a relief when we got to my friend’s house for the Halloween party. I didn’t have to walk around as much and the kids got to play for a little before we headed home.

    Today’s silver lining: I didn’t miss trick-or-treating with the kids.

    I don’t know if the good mood of the night was from the anti-depressants or just because it was Halloween, but I’m calling it a win.

    What’s your silver lining today?  I love comments!

    Don’t want to leave a comment, but have something you want to share?  Send me an email at gettingthewordswrong(at)gmail(dot)com.


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10 Responsesso far.

  1. You are going thru alot right now and if it takes medicine to keep you sane then no one is going to judge you for that. At one time I had to take medicine to handle being away from my grandchildren because of anxiety only to find out that two of my best friends were also taking medication for depression, so from then on we were the medicated friends. I love the halloween pictures with and without hair. I went with Abby (great grand) and she loved all the pumpkins and lights.
    Love you,
    Auntie Minute

    • Meghan says:

      Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I couldn’t miss it! I love you, too, Auntie Minute. I’m glad you had fun with Abby. 🙂

  2. epbj says:

    Had no idea Justin had this outfit! Awesome. I actually like the bald look 🙂 It takes great courage to ask for help. You are amazing.

    • Meghan says:

      He saw the one you sent and bought a coordinating outfit. He has known about my Riker-love for years. He just let me live the fantasy. 🙂

  3. Michale Bauer says:

    Dang Meghan, you’re human … there’s no shame in asking for help!!! If you are a Vulcan, then I’d be really concerned 😉 Wonderful picks of you and the family!

  4. Cindy Smith says:

    You guys look great and I am so happy that you didn’t miss trick-or-treating with the kiddos!! I hope they got lot’s of candy and that while they are busy with other things (sorry kids!) that you indulge yourself a little with whichever ones you love! They might have said no alcohol, but I am sure a little candy won’t hurt. I hope you enjoyed the party.

  5. Melissa says:

    Great family pics, so glad you were able to get out and enjoy the night! I’ll second what everyone else is saying, nothing wrong in asking for you help. Somethings you just cant handle on your own, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

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