• Another 100 Days of Good Karma: Day 130 (Angry Day)

    anger

    Tuesday, November 18, 2014

    Run/ Walk/ Bike/ Elliptical (Today:  2.54 miles;  Running Total: 44.54 miles)

    Day 130 of *Another* 100 Days of Good Karma.

    The more time I put between myself and chemotherapy treatments the better I feel.  Physically I feel better than I have in weeks.

    Mentally… Well, some days, despite my best efforts, I’m still just angry.  It doesn’t matter how much I run or write or talk to a counselor.

    Like today.  Today was an angry day.

    I was angry over nothing really.  Nothing and everything.

    Angry because I finally feel good and have to go back on Friday and feel like shit again.

    Angry because the anticipation of chemo is worse than once chemo is done.

    Angry because I’m worried I might have to go back to the emergency room or pass out again from the next treatment.

    Angry because I’m gaining weight.

    Angry because I don’t like looking in the mirror.

    Angry because the keycard to the gym didn’t work and I wanted to use the elliptical machine.

    Angry because my head gets cold outside and I forgot to bring a hat with me.

    Angry because I still make decisions like I have hair.  Like the time I found a pen in the wrong place in the house.  My first reaction was to stick it in my hair until I walked into the kitchen to put it up.  And then I remembered I don’t have hair anymore.

    Angry because I saw someone in the parking lot with pretty hair.

    Angry because I have no control over cancer.

    Angry because I have no control over cancer treatment or its side effects.

    Angry because I’m tired of having cancer.

    Angry that I don’t have an escape.

    Angry that every morning I’m assaulted by the knowledge that I have cancer over and over and over again.

    Just… angry.

    Today’s silver lining:   It’s just one bad day.

    Tomorrow will be better.

    What’s your silver lining today?  I love comments!

    Don’t want to leave a comment, but have something you want to share?  Send me an email at gettingthewordswrong(at)gmail(dot)com.

    xoxo,
    Meghan

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9 Responsesso far.

  1. Kyla says:

    I love you cuz! Don’t forget that you are VERY beautiful with/without hair. I hope tomorrow is a great day and spoil your self with a fun or relaxing day with a friend!

  2. Pat Sincox says:

    And I am pissed that you have to feel angry. I am thinking a workout with a punching bag or a speed bag would be really good for your psyche. And go ahead and be mad, because you have the right!!

  3. Meghan, I read every post when the email comes to my inbox. I usually relate to something in your posts. Today struck a cord in me but not about the cancer. The anger seems to pop out when I least expect it. I appreciate your list and maybe I need to write my own list. I appreciate you sharing your progress with the mileage and then I wait to read how the latest chemo is affecting you. If you were my daughter, I don’t know how I would cope with the fear for you. You aren’t my daughter but I can still feel empathy for your trials. I so with the best outcome for you and wish I could do something besides the prayers I offer up whenever I think about you or each time I get notice of another blog post. Thank you.

    Blessings, Marrianna

    • Meghan says:

      Thank you, Marrianna. The anger just catches me off guard sometimes. I know it’s born from worrying too much and feeling like I can’t control anything. It doesn’t hit me as frequently as it used to, but it’s still there. Some days are just bound to be better than others.

  4. Tina says:

    Anger is one of those awful messy emotions. Sometimes (after I calm down) I think of Wil Farrel and his “Whirling Tornado of Anger” bit.

    Hugs, friend.

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