Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Run/ Walk/ Bike/ Elliptical (Today: 2.54 miles; Running Total: 44.54 miles)
Day 130 of *Another* 100 Days of Good Karma.
The more time I put between myself and chemotherapy treatments the better I feel. Physically I feel better than I have in weeks.
Mentally… Well, some days, despite my best efforts, I’m still just angry. It doesn’t matter how much I run or write or talk to a counselor.
Like today. Today was an angry day.
I was angry over nothing really. Nothing and everything.
Angry because I finally feel good and have to go back on Friday and feel like shit again.
Angry because the anticipation of chemo is worse than once chemo is done.
Angry because I’m worried I might have to go back to the emergency room or pass out again from the next treatment.
Angry because I’m gaining weight.
Angry because I don’t like looking in the mirror.
Angry because the keycard to the gym didn’t work and I wanted to use the elliptical machine.
Angry because my head gets cold outside and I forgot to bring a hat with me.
Angry because I still make decisions like I have hair. Like the time I found a pen in the wrong place in the house. My first reaction was to stick it in my hair until I walked into the kitchen to put it up. And then I remembered I don’t have hair anymore.
Angry because I saw someone in the parking lot with pretty hair.
Angry because I have no control over cancer.
Angry because I have no control over cancer treatment or its side effects.
Angry because I’m tired of having cancer.
Angry that I don’t have an escape.
Angry that every morning I’m assaulted by the knowledge that I have cancer over and over and over again.
Today’s silver lining: It’s just one bad day.
Tomorrow will be better.
What’s your silver lining today? I love comments!
Don’t want to leave a comment, but have something you want to share? Send me an email at gettingthewordswrong(at)gmail(dot)com.