• Another 100 Days of Good Karma: Day 156 (Chemo Brain)

    chemobrain

    Sunday, December 14, 2014

    Run/ Walk/ Bike/ Elliptical (Today:  0.00 miles;  Running Total: 83.16 miles)

    Day 156 of *Another* 100 Days of Good Karma.

    The thing about chemo… It just makes it so goddamned hard to think.

    It might not look like it, but every word in this post was hard to string together.

    I had to write it out in longhand first, then decipher my chicken scratch, fix the copious spelling errors and figure out what the hell I was trying to say.

    This post is only 470 words long and it still took an hour and a half to write it.

    I’m so foggy.

    I’ll start a sentence and trail off in the middle. I zone out during conversations and forget what I was saying.  I read something and immediately forget what I looked at.

    Hannah asked me a question the other day.  I think she asked something simple, like “Where are my shoes?”

    I clearly heard the response in my head before I opened my mouth.  “Wherever you left them.”

    Except what came out of my mouth was total gibberish.

    I knew what I’d mean to say.  And I’d heard what I really said.

    The two were entirely disconnected.

    Hannah caught it, too.  She frowned, tilting her head to the side as though she’d misheard me.  “Huh?”

    I repeated myself, slowing down so I said the right words the second time.  But I had to speak slowly or I knew it would happen again.

    Everything takes me three times longer than it should.  I feel slow and stupid.  Like I’m moving under water and can’t go faster no matter how hard I try.

    This all passes by the end of the first week after chemo, but still…

    It’s infuriating.

    A friend, Amy, stopped by to visit.  We got to talking about the blog and how some days I don’t feel like I can post anything.

    Amy asked what pressure I felt to post on the blog.

    The pressure I feel to post is the need to entertain. To be funny and engaging. All of which is almost impossible when I have cotton batting where my brain used to be.

    I explained that I’d spent the day on the couch watching The Hobbit and taking naps.  I can’t turn napping into anything clever.

    Amy assured me she likes the funny posts.  She likes being entertained.  But mostly she likes knowing how I’m doing and if that means she reads a post about me sitting on the couch and watching a three hour movie, then so be it.

    Today’s silver lining:  Thank you, Amy, for reminding me why I started blogging about this in the first place. 

    What’s your silver lining today?  I love comments!

    Don’t want to leave a comment, but have something you want to share?  Send me an email at gettingthewordswrong(at)gmail(dot)com.

    xoxo,
    Meghan

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5 Responsesso far.

  1. Tina Smith says:

    That sounds really frustrating. Hugs.

    🙁

  2. Epbj says:

    I agree with Amy. Your blog is a way for me to keep up with you without bugging you 🙂

  3. Linda says:

    Amy is a wise friend.

  4. ap says:

    You are enough….grateful for *all* your blog posts! 🙂

  5. Cindy Smith says:

    The funny stories are great, but the truth is even better! You never need to feel like entertaining everyone is more important than how you are really feeling. Part of your inspiration is your ability to speak the truth, whether it was done humorously or whether it was heartbreaking or gutwrenching. We love you!

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