Monday, March 23, 2015
Run/ Walk/ Bike/ Elliptical (Today: 2.70 miles; Running Total: 212.99 miles)
Day 255 of *Another* 100 Days of Good Karma.
I started week 3 of the couch to 5k app. Today was two rounds of running 90 seconds, walking 90 seconds, running 3 minutes, walking 3 minutes. Three minutes seemed like a long time to run. Maybe because I was so tired today.
At my radiation appointment the nurses ran into a technical issue and had to reboot the computer controlling the machines. The entire hiccup couldn’t have taken more than ten minutes to troubleshoot and fix, but I drifted off on table during that ten minutes. I couldn’t help it. The room was cold and dark and quiet without the buzzing of machines. I closed my eyes and only woke up when they told me to take a breath and hold it.
After I got home I got a phone call from my friend Tina. I folded clothes while we talked and that kept me going for most of the conversation. As soon as I was finished folding clothes I started nodding off — right in the middle of a phone call. I finally gave in and told Tina I had to go take a nap. I felt terrible about it. I love catching up with my friends.
I crashed for almost two hours and woke up feeling somewhat better. I was still dragging ass, but I wasn’t as foggy.
I know what the problem is.
Part of it is radiation fatigue. Part of it is that I just don’t sleep soundly anymore. Not like I did before a cancer diagnosis. My brain is exhausted but it won’t shut the fuck up and my thoughts race all night long.
The only way I get a good night’s sleep anymore is if I take a Xanax. And I’m still taking a low dose antidepressant, too.
But I hate that.
I hate that I have to take anything to manage anxiety or depression. And at the same time, I worry about transitioning off of this medicine. I don’t want to go back to being the person I was before I started taking them. I don’t want to go back to crying every day or yelling at the kids for just being kids.
I don’t want to need the medicine. I feel like I should be able to manage anxiety on my own, without the help of medication. Like I did before cancer.
So I’ll get stubborn and tough it out without Xanax for a few nights.
The first night I won’t have anything and I’ll nearly jitter myself to pieces but I’ll get by. The second night I’ll convince myself I just need a glass of wine before bed. Just one. The third night ‘just one’ turns into two or three. And I’m not a girl who can handle three glasses of wine.
I’m not opposed to drinking alcohol. I like wine. But I recognize how completely unhealthy it is to use it as a coping mechanism. Besides, alcohol might help me go to sleep, but it doesn’t help me stay asleep and I just feel like shit in the morning.
So I go full circle back to Xanax.
Oh the irony… I have anxiety over taking anxiety medication.
Today’s silver lining: I’m so grateful that I was brave enough to talk to my doctor about my feelings a long time ago.
Asking for mental help was one of the hardest medical conversations I’ve ever had in my life. And believe me, since the word cancer was dropped in my lap, I’ve had some pretty tough conversations with my doctors.
I don’t know if I’ll need this medication forever, but if I do I’m glad I already took the hardest step in asking for help in the first place.
What’s your silver lining today? I love comments!
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