Wednesday, August 20, 2014)
Day 40 of 100 Days of Good Karma.
Wednesdays have replaced Mondays as the hardest day of my week. I have yet to find a way to avoid complete emotional disaster.
It doesn’t seem to matter how clean the house is, or how many episodes of Orange is the New Black I watch.
The day after chemo just sucks.
On Wednesdays I struggle to keep perspective.
I know this could be worse. I know there are plenty of harder days ahead. I know I will look back on these early chemo treatments as the ‘easy’ days.
But perspective is hard on Wednesdays.
I spend Wednesdays marveling at what I took for granted before cancer.
Normal bowel movements, for instance.
Or running my fingers through my hair.
Everything I’ve heard or read says my hair will really start falling out in the third week of chemotherapy.
Well, this is the third week.
Not so long ago I’d brush my hair with barely a thought for what was left behind in the bristles.
Now my heart beats too hard when I run my fingers through my hair and I wonder when I’ll pull the first clump out.
On Wednesdays the writing well runs dry.
I stare at my computer screen, fingers poised over the keyboard while the cursor blinks smugly against its blank background.
Why don’t you go clean the kitchen? The cursor whispers. God knows nothing good is happening here.
On Wednesdays I’m functional, but wiped out and the drugs are still so present in my body that I can’t sleep.
The kids seemed to sense that today was a rough day.
They piled onto the couch next to me. Connor snuggled in the middle while Hannah told us a story she made up about a wooden boy covered in stickers. She even changed her voice for the different characters.
She’s a natural born story-teller, that one.
I worked out, folded clothes and cleaned the kitchen. Through it all, needling stabs of pain ran through the breast that has cancer in it.
I was simultaneously glad to feel those jabs of pain and not glad at all.
On the one hand, please oh God please, let that pain mean the cancer is dying.
On the other hand, damn it, that breast is mine.
I’ve had it since I was twelve and yeah I hated them then but I’ve grown kind of fond of them over the years. I don’t want to lose it.
But on Wednesdays I’m reminded that what I want doesn’t matter.
Because this shit is happening, y’all. Whether I want it or not.
On Wednesdays I remember that no one can be happy and funny all the time. It would be a lie of epic proportions to say I can easily find the silver lining in each day.
Because on this Wednesday my only silver lining was this: Thursday is just around the bend.
And I will try again tomorrow.
What’s your silver lining today? I love comments!