Sunday, February 15, 2105
Run/ Walk/ Bike/ Elliptical (Today: 0.00 miles; Running Total: 174.00 miles)
Day 219 of *Another* 100 Days of Good Karma.
Justin and I had a rough night. I started typing this at 3:40 am so technically I guess it happened Monday morning, but whatever. I was exhausted and wanted to sleep, but I was spun up, too, and knew I wouldn’t sleep until I’d written it all down.
I woke up to use the bathroom and noticed that my side with the drainage tube was wet. I have a large band aid bandage covering the top of the drainage tube, and my shirt was soaked through, the wet spot the exact shape of the bandage and my side below the bandage was wet.
I woke Justin up to help me clean it off. I hated doing it because I knew he had to get up and go to work, but I didn’t trust myself to clean it off.
I stood at the sink holding my shirt up on the side while he removed the bandage and cleaned up the skin on my side.
Justin turned away to throw away the tissue and I suddenly felt cold and sick to my stomach.
I thought, I need to go to bed. But the bed looked very, very far away.
Then I looked at the side of the bathtub and thought, Not the bed. Just sit down.
I took a step toward the tub, one arm out reaching toward the side of the tub. It seemed like with each step the bathroom shrank to a smaller and smaller pinhole in my vision. I heard a rushing in my ears.
I realized I wasn’t going to make it to the tub to sit down.
Then I felt Justin grab me from behind, catching me before I could fall.
“Are you okay?”
I knew I wasn’t, but I couldn’t talk. He held me up and I just shook, my legs wanting to go out from under me. It felt like it went on forever, but may have only been a few moments.
When I stopped shaking and I thought it was safe to stand I answered his question.
“Yeah,” I said shakily. “Yeah. I’m okay.”
“You’re just worried about it,” he said, meaning the drain.
“I know. The leaking scared me.”
Justin helped me to bed, not letting go of my arm.
I climbed into bed and sat there breathing hard. Sound first trickled and then rushed back into my ears while Justin lifted off my wet shirt and pulled a clean one over my head.
I lay back against the pillows. I was still shaking, but I tried to find a comfortable position. It’s not easy to do. I’m still sleeping sitting up because I’m afraid I’ll roll over on the drain and make the problem worse.
I lay in bed for a long time, heart beating hard. I jumped at every noise and tried to figure out why I’d almost passed out.
It wasn’t hunger. I had a bowl of cereal right before bed. I wasn’t dehydrated either. I’d had more than the recommended two liters of water during the day.
Then it occurred to me that I may have had a real, honest-to-God panic attack. Just like the one I had the night I got a nosebleed and fell.
I’d been jumpy and grouchy all day for no particular reason. I guess the fear of something being wrong with the drain just pushed me over the edge.
I lay there for a long time before I could go back to sleep.
Today’s silver lining: Justin. For being the strong one.
What’s your silver lining today? I love comments!
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